Thursday, April 5, 2012

Days Like These

Days like These

These days
I teeter between joy and sorrow
In search of a center to balance the two
So I allow myself to take a second to sit in both
First joy- sweet to taste, warm to touch,
hugs and hands held and the sound of laughter
bouncing from one sense to the next-
LIGHT! I burst, I beam -I don’t ever want to leave
But I shift… because joy can be blinding in its brightness,
it can remove you from the reality of life’s many hues

I welcome in sorrow,
witness it make current time slow,
calling forth the past to take over,
memories appear rapidly surrounding my body
that brings me to my knees,
silence becomes prayer-
it reminds me of my breath,
it reminds me how human I really am

I inhale the sensation that occurs in mixing the two
Taking in bursts of joy and
slow strokes, strikes, shakes, and stings of heartache
I recall all memories of you,
Your touch, your smile, your presence, your truth

In this experimentation
this combination
This alchemy of joy and sorrow becomes
the most unbearable grief
See this inbetween, this center
That I find myself walking and living in these days-
This inbetween is where the heart breaks
Between fire and water
Between bliss and pain
I witness the breaking of my heart and
the freedom of your spirit
that has found a home inside of me.
Being let free to go where it needs

“For your life lived in me
Your laugh once lifted me
Your word was gift to me”
This is why memories of you
Are like gravity
That pull me into a reality of
the joy you are in my life
and what sorrow it is to let go of that.

And I sink into this grief
My face streaks
as I empty myself of what has been
our happiness together
I feel how my spirit is tripping
on my own self- worth and self- knowing
Clumsily I chase the joy and with it
I carry the sorrow
Simultaneously they create
a dance of discomfort and dis-ease
I trip on myself
And I fall,
And I fall
And I fall

This grief
That pulls me downward
Face heavy
Head into my hands
Heart into stomach
Body crouched, curled into mother earth’s cradle
Sorrow streams through me

When the heart truly grieves
it does not ask permission
It sheds tears,
It sheds skin,
It sheds walls,
It shakes your being
Break up, Break down, Break through
The Heartbreaks
And the foundations that you have built
to keep you grounded,
Have to be removed and replaced
So you can stand firmly on
the pavement of your journey once more

I breathe and look at the pieces around me
Piece by piece I rebuild what has been broken
Whether it be
bones or heart, or mind, or spirit broken
I work to re-member who I am.

On these days
In this labor of love lost-
I sweat my tears
flooding the ground beneath my toes
What will come from this…
I make way for Metamorphosis
I will never be the same again

In a cycle of life and love and light.
I opened myself to the
and the vulnerability, of loving.
And today I am left certain in my loss

But I will open myself to what is unknown again.
My only knowing is that
Every beginning will come to an end
and from an end a new beginning
It will catch me
It will lift me
I believe

From heartbreak, a greater love will come
From death, new life will be born
From once where I was empty, I will again be filled
From darkness surrounding me, light will brighter shine
And a new day will be mine

Days like today will surely come,
But only to be followed with days of sun

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