Liberating

"If you have come to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together."

What I have chosen for myself after learning and becoming enthralled in his work is that I want to be a practitioner of what he has blessed not only the educator community or to the theatre community with, but what he has given to the world. His work has become in my mind the link to my two separate lives that I had been living in Irvine. One being the life of an artist, who had a love of performance and of the way theatre breaths life into any person who chooses it to be their means of expression. And the other being a Pinay woman, who had pride and love for her culture and history after spending 3 years working with other organizers to educate and grow as a community.

I feel my self after learning the ways and teachings of Paulo Freire and Augusto Boal, that my life can never be what it once was.

I have been constantly pulling my self apart and figuring out how to make myself whole again, how to make myself fully human and open to the constant transformations that can bring me to that place of completion. And in result of this, I have never felt more vulnerable in my life.

There are so many things I now question of myself, of the work that I have done in the past and how, if I had this knowledge I might have made a better teacher and leader when working with all of you. I miss our community, I miss the solidarity and camaraderie that we had built as Kababayan and I have found myself stifled by my own oppression on myself, because of my doubt and my inability to fully trust when I feel so open and vulnerable with the rest of my cohort, the community that I enter into here.

The work is amazing, the readings, the materials and resources, everything I am being exposed to in New York and the University have slowly been liberating me, I just have to let it happen.

I felt so blessed when I walked into my first class and saw a room that was so diverse and that was filled with so many faces and people of color. But for the first time in a long time, I have found myself to be the only Filipino in the room. And now I move from being in a place where I felt most comfortable, knowledgeable and influential, to a place where I am reluctant to speak, unsure of my thoughts and checking myself at every moment before I talk, before I move, before an action is taken, when I felt before I could make a choice and follow it in an instance.

I'm telling you all this not because I feel bad about it, or because I feel I cannot be moved from it, but because I feel so blessed from it.

I am in a place in my life where I can progress and make myself a better person, a stronger, more open minded and willing human being. I am ready to become someone who can come back home to the work we did together and feel fully invested in the liberation that binds us together as brothers and sisters.

To UnKa, SB and FML, I know now how we could have been better to one another and how our liberation was always linked and I am thankful for everything that we had failed and accomplished in together and also for the humanity that you have brought into my life.

And to the future of Kaba, take care of one another and the liberation that binds all of you with us. Good luck to you all and may this new year teach you all to be fuller human beings.

I love you.

Some days I love the subway...

...today was one of them.

Every now and then while your waiting for a train to arrive there will be performers and some of them are absolutely incredible, there are singers, break dancers, violinists, bands and so many more. I look around and some people are not amused by the performers, and I think to myself, "was your day so bad that you did not see the beauty in that?"

Today a beautiful voice filled the subway line at 53rd and 5th Ave. An older man with his back leaned against the tiles of the subway wall, with a guitar in his lap and with passion in his face, sang these words:

"I have climbed the highest mountain. I have run through the fields. Only to be with you. I have run. I have crawled. And I have scaled these city walls. Only to be with you. But I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I have kissed honey lips. Felt the healing in her fingertips. It burned like fire, this burning desire. I have spoke with the tongue of angels. I have held the hand of a devil. It was warm in the night. I was cold as stone. But I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I believe in the Kingdom Come. There all the colors will bleed into one. But yes I'm still running. You broke the bonds. You loosened the chains. You carried the cross. And my shame. You know I believed it.

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for."

This was right after I had left church and I just felt so much emotion from it. I think everyone comes to New York City trying to find something, maybe they know exactly what it is, or maybe they thought they knew but eventually realized there is so much more to aspire for.

Lately, I have been thinking about how happy I'll be when my time in New York is over and I can come back home. But I realized I cannot come home without feeling satisfied about the mark that New York City has made on me and that I have made on it.

I want to experience everything that I can while I'm out here, so, lately I've been just exploring the city and discovering the different feels of each borough and observing the people and the surroundings.

Every time I get off that subway I feel like I'm transported into another world, New York has so many environments to uncover and trudge through. $89 a month gives me access to unlimited adventure! And I couldn't be more excited for each day I get my butt up and go on an expedition.

Only thing missing, is all of you to share it with.

Some days I love the subway, and I can't wait until you all visit and we can let it transport us to amazing places and new adventures!