Thursday, April 26, 2012

I Know I Am Beautiful On the Inside

*What I know and what I don't know

I Know I am Beautiful on the Inside

I know and tell my self
Everyday that men and womyn
Should be equal
That I should not let
Anyone make me feel that
I am not worthy
That even past thirty
It is not downhill for us
That if we just trust
In love for our self
Life be just as generous
In its givings, that I will find love
With confidence and faith
That I don't need to make 
false impressions on any dates
All I have to be is me
And if he's right he'll see
That I am a catch
Be my match
He should, he should see
But in reality
He might not
And I know that

Because I know
And I have heard and experienced
That men need time
They need space
They need to find themselves 
before settling down
That they need to experience other womyn, 
shop around
That its not you its him
And if he wanted to commit
I would be it
But right now its about running with lust
And if we were meant to be I should trust
We will find eachother again in love
I know it is what it is
And that even though I try to say 
"I am Good enough"
Even though I say that to myself
I can't help
But feel otherwise
Because I'm not compelled 
To be with other guys
But he's off
Looking for the next girl to
Be a maybe
And I look nothing like them
I pin myself against other womyn
And feel like its a competition

I know that we take cues from
Man's design
Of what a womyn should look like
Talk like
Act like
That even though I seek to just be me
That maybe
The me I am, that needs 
That little bit of eye liner and rouge on my face
Wears lingerie when I know 
He is coming over to my place
Just in case
And has way too many panties 
To choose from in the first place
That makes purchases
For ageless defence and youthful look
Items that claim they'll make you sexy
and how to please your man books

Or when I go into dressing rooms 
With so many clothes and leave with none
Because they made me look fat
Or made me look flat
Or made my but look small
Or made my hips or my tummy pop out
Made me wish I was tall
And shit I know I'm tiny and skinny
But then that's a problem
I don't want to get fat
but hate that I'm petite
And even though I tell myself 
"I am beautiful"
I still find my defeat
In all of this conditioning
All of this tradition in
Believing I have to be something
That I was told I need to be
To keep my man wanting me

I know that its all lies
That we have been fed 
the need to compromise
Who we are 
And believing is my demise
I know and I fight for
My own empowerment
The same as the young sister
If she came to me and told me
"I don't like the way I look"
She is not good enough
I would tell her in truth
"You are beautiful,
Don't let anyone take that away from you
Don't let anyone convince you that
You are less than the Goddess in you."
And I tell her, to tell myself too
Because sometimes I feel hypocrite
And my whole life I've been fighting it
My whole life I've wanted what she does
Just to be loved,
Not just for who I am
But what I look like

I know that beauty is in the eye of the beholder
But our eyes have been conditioned
Our eyes have us wishing
That we looked like someone else
I don't even know anymore
Why when I see big breasts
Exposed chests
Tiny waists
Big butts
And find myself feeling insecure
I'm unsure
Of myself
I just don't know what
Makes me cringe and my breath stop
When I see a womyn's face
Big eyes, lips pout
Clear skin, slender and thin
I start to hate the skin I'm in
No one wins
7 billion people in this world
And we keep telling every little girl
That she needs to be beautiful
By some standard that we don't all fit
And I'm really tired of it

And no matter how much I know
And no matter how much I grow
In understanding how fucked up it all is
I shake my head in disappointment of myself
Because I still wish
That I could look a different way
Because no matter what they say
The inside counts its true
But the outside really does too

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