New York It's What You Do to Me (Part 2)

I have been in New York now, for about a year, which has brought me to a very reflective moment in my life. And I am left at this very moment to feel nothing less than blessed, for every ebb and flow that my experiences in the city have brought me. I have had moments that have really tested me in this past year, the largest challenge... finding the strength in being alone.

To be alone was something that was a sporadic choice to be had when I was in California; because of schedule and constant presence of friends and family and community, to take time for myself was something that would come with deliberation and intention. Alone time was something I would ask for from my loved ones even though truthfully, I may have had the notion in the back of my mind that I could take my liberties of being alone whenever I wanted to. It was my time and space to have. I took advantage of that liberty in a large degree by coming out here to NY, on my own, no family or close friends to provide a support system in proximity. Just me. I didn't realize for myself that by making that decision being alone would no longer be a choice, it would become the foundations of building a new lifestyle.

I've grappled with the tightrope walk of feeling loneliness and feeling solitude, feeling helpless and feeling self sufficient, feeling uneasy about the inconsistencies in my life, and feeling challenged and growth from them. I have never been so out of my element, only to find that it is exactly where I needed to be.

My notions of life living have shifted so much in just one year. I recall moments in the past year where I have sat in my studio apartment tears flowing because I just wanted to feel the presence of bodies to surround me, longing for movement, conversation, noise, breath to fill my environment, but not wanting to burden others with these intense feelings and then other moments where I have been in a serene silence, working, learning, cooking, art making, or just laying and feeling so blessed that I am sustaining myself in life living, doing everything for myself creating not only the ability but the purpose to wake up to another day where the sun can rise and greet me. Those days have come more often, and I have allowed myself to bask in them, savor them longer each time that they arise and know that there are more of those days to come.

I have never focused so much on myself in this way because I have always been the one looking for the next person, project and experience that will let me serve anyone or anything but myself first. And I am still that person, but its just really a balancing act now, because then I have these moments, these miraculous moments where it really is all about myself, and how I can make myself better and newer and stronger, and I realize that, that love for myself has only allowed me to love my family, friends, community, to love all of you and serve you with more fervor, purpose and positivity.

I have found for myself more and more that living in positivity is not just about thinking it, its about really BEING in it. That light has always been so visible to me in others, and I am blessed to be surrounded by so many individuals who carry it so brightly, but recognizing it in myself has been such a blessing, to really know that the sun lives inside me. Now, there is no other way to live life than with my head held high and with the notion that the body that I am in is beautiful and the soul that it carries is vibrant, beaming, and I am more than ever aware of my own light and ready to grow it, and share it with the world around me.

I thank the city for moments of being alone, because they have challenged me. BUT I also thank the city for the loving relationships I have built here, the exchanges that have taught me more to value every connection made, the experiences that have allowed me to confront fears and embrace uncertainty and newness and the ability to share my being that has grown and become resilient, strengthened and brighter with each day that the sun rises.
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