Liberating

"If you have come to help me, you are wasting your time. But if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together."

What I have chosen for myself after learning and becoming enthralled in his work is that I want to be a practitioner of what he has blessed not only the educator community or to the theatre community with, but what he has given to the world. His work has become in my mind the link to my two separate lives that I had been living in Irvine. One being the life of an artist, who had a love of performance and of the way theatre breaths life into any person who chooses it to be their means of expression. And the other being a Pinay woman, who had pride and love for her culture and history after spending 3 years working with other organizers to educate and grow as a community.

I feel my self after learning the ways and teachings of Paulo Freire and Augusto Boal, that my life can never be what it once was.

I have been constantly pulling my self apart and figuring out how to make myself whole again, how to make myself fully human and open to the constant transformations that can bring me to that place of completion. And in result of this, I have never felt more vulnerable in my life.

There are so many things I now question of myself, of the work that I have done in the past and how, if I had this knowledge I might have made a better teacher and leader when working with all of you. I miss our community, I miss the solidarity and camaraderie that we had built as Kababayan and I have found myself stifled by my own oppression on myself, because of my doubt and my inability to fully trust when I feel so open and vulnerable with the rest of my cohort, the community that I enter into here.

The work is amazing, the readings, the materials and resources, everything I am being exposed to in New York and the University have slowly been liberating me, I just have to let it happen.

I felt so blessed when I walked into my first class and saw a room that was so diverse and that was filled with so many faces and people of color. But for the first time in a long time, I have found myself to be the only Filipino in the room. And now I move from being in a place where I felt most comfortable, knowledgeable and influential, to a place where I am reluctant to speak, unsure of my thoughts and checking myself at every moment before I talk, before I move, before an action is taken, when I felt before I could make a choice and follow it in an instance.

I'm telling you all this not because I feel bad about it, or because I feel I cannot be moved from it, but because I feel so blessed from it.

I am in a place in my life where I can progress and make myself a better person, a stronger, more open minded and willing human being. I am ready to become someone who can come back home to the work we did together and feel fully invested in the liberation that binds us together as brothers and sisters.

To UnKa, SB and FML, I know now how we could have been better to one another and how our liberation was always linked and I am thankful for everything that we had failed and accomplished in together and also for the humanity that you have brought into my life.

And to the future of Kaba, take care of one another and the liberation that binds all of you with us. Good luck to you all and may this new year teach you all to be fuller human beings.

I love you.

Some days I love the subway...

...today was one of them.

Every now and then while your waiting for a train to arrive there will be performers and some of them are absolutely incredible, there are singers, break dancers, violinists, bands and so many more. I look around and some people are not amused by the performers, and I think to myself, "was your day so bad that you did not see the beauty in that?"

Today a beautiful voice filled the subway line at 53rd and 5th Ave. An older man with his back leaned against the tiles of the subway wall, with a guitar in his lap and with passion in his face, sang these words:

"I have climbed the highest mountain. I have run through the fields. Only to be with you. I have run. I have crawled. And I have scaled these city walls. Only to be with you. But I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I have kissed honey lips. Felt the healing in her fingertips. It burned like fire, this burning desire. I have spoke with the tongue of angels. I have held the hand of a devil. It was warm in the night. I was cold as stone. But I still haven't found what I'm looking for. I believe in the Kingdom Come. There all the colors will bleed into one. But yes I'm still running. You broke the bonds. You loosened the chains. You carried the cross. And my shame. You know I believed it.

But I still haven't found what I'm looking for."

This was right after I had left church and I just felt so much emotion from it. I think everyone comes to New York City trying to find something, maybe they know exactly what it is, or maybe they thought they knew but eventually realized there is so much more to aspire for.

Lately, I have been thinking about how happy I'll be when my time in New York is over and I can come back home. But I realized I cannot come home without feeling satisfied about the mark that New York City has made on me and that I have made on it.

I want to experience everything that I can while I'm out here, so, lately I've been just exploring the city and discovering the different feels of each borough and observing the people and the surroundings.

Every time I get off that subway I feel like I'm transported into another world, New York has so many environments to uncover and trudge through. $89 a month gives me access to unlimited adventure! And I couldn't be more excited for each day I get my butt up and go on an expedition.

Only thing missing, is all of you to share it with.

Some days I love the subway, and I can't wait until you all visit and we can let it transport us to amazing places and new adventures!

Wanted to be on top

So, not too many people knew about this but for the past few weeks I have been preppin myself for a big audition...

America's Next Top Model.

I know, hella crazy right?

You don't know the half of it, that audition was a crazy trip. And I may not have left it meeting Tyra, but I left it with something else.

Let me run you through this mess of an audition.

First of all, hella girls, HELLA. And all of them just look so different from each other. Anywho, after waiting in line for an hour or two, getting to LA at 630, you are wrist band, stamped and numbered and then you go into a stadium seating and wait for your fate.

You and 50 other girls are then brought into a curtained room, you could not talk, you had to be quiet they stand you on the perimeter of the room and then you say only 3 things, just three things:

1) your name
2) your age
3) your height

and then they look at your profile, your face and then they call out 5 numbers, and then that's it.
You get three instances to speak, a move to the right and a move forward and that is what determines their choice for the next group.

I prepared for this audition day in and out, I looked at myself in and out and thought about what would show them who I was and what I could offer as a person beyone a face. But that wasnt what it was about at all, I didn't know how I felt after, but what I did know was that it wasnt the modeling I wanted, I wanted the opportunity to have a voice. My application turned out to be 26 pages after I poured my heart out for this. I wanted to have the show give me the opportunity to be honest with myself and others about the hardships of life and the lessons learn and how to be strengthened by them

I saw the show as America's Next Top Role Model I guess. Its funny because the important thing to me about any fame, is the opportunity to be heard, and for people to look at you as an influence.

I wanted it, for my own reasons, but this is not the way for me to get my voice out, I think I knew that all along, but I thought what the heck, I can do it, I can make it to the top. And I will, just not the same "top" that a lot of the girls who stood in that line are shooting for.

Aside from this new outlook on what I want, I also get to look back on the past few weeks and recall the support from Wes and my sister and my AMAZING ROOMATES!

New footage from our training sessions; my real life Miss Jay: JS, Mr. Jay: Neil Jon and Paulina: Giselle! Thank you guys for being my motivators and believing in me.

Three Poses with a Bag... and GO!


Poses on a Pull Up Bar



My Runway Improv hahaha (Just an idea of what we did for this, but it involved chalesses full of water, folk. techno and gangsta music, a hula wrap and Giselle's blanket.)



We also did speaking with eyes, which JS is a master at and all this other Jazz. I will never forget how much fun this was! hahaha

I'm keeping my audition application, it was an experience filling it out. And there is 26 pages of my heart in it. I give them props for putting together an application taht allows someone to reflect on their lives.

Next up for me: Preofessional Headshots, a Updated Resume for Performance, And actually auditioning for something that will let me show a little more of me.

10 weeks of school left, still praying for the EAST COAST to take me home!!

Te amo...

Love. The heart. Is sacred in Italian culture. 

We learned about matters of the heart and passion for our work, as well as one another. Johnny, our Tarantella instructor is one of the most passionate people I have ever met. There is so much fervor that runs thorough him and exudes from his movement, his voice, his presence. It is a gift that I hope to one day assume in myself. 

I don't want this to be too long of an entry so I'll leave with the thought of love.

To say "Te amo" Johnny says, is very very powerful words. Many are afraid to say this unless there is a deep passionate connection that you have with another. He says even to relatives you would rather say "Te vulevo bene" which is more in the terms of "I like you a lot," a term of loving but not so deep as "Te amo".

I thought about how much we say we love one another in America, and I thought of how sacred it is to say these words.  To my family and friends, when I say these words to you I will mean it, remember that. "I love you," because I really truly do have a passion for you and for what you are in my life. 

That's all for tonight. I'm beat.

"Te amo"....

PS new pictures are up from day 14 and 15. MORE TO COME!

Awakenings

What I choose to write about in my time abroad are of happenings and experiences that have heavily impacted my life and that will make me a better performer, leader, friend, daughter, sister and person when I return back home.

The past week have been work intensive and heavy on my heart and my body. I have been pushed to my limits in so many ways. From physically straining days, to emotionally challenging ones; we are given the opportunity to grow and become stronger people with every interaction that we are given with one another.

Sometimes I just wish you all could be here to see me in my element, because here when I am in my work I know that I am in that place, where no one can bring me down.

This may not all make sense, but these are my thoughts right now. And this is how I feel at this very moment.

Being behind the mask is a place where I do not feel so vulnerable in the way where I am afraid, but rather where I am vulnerable and willing, where I am ready for my body to take control of its self. The passion behind my movement, my action is present and to release that is such a powerful thing.

I feel present in my body and I feel present among the ensemble that I work with. I think of nothing more than living out my characters and feeling them without judgment. The most judgment comes from your teacher when you take courses, but with Michele, the most appreciation comes from him. He constantly pushes for us to do our best work and I strive to do it, because this is why I am here. This is why I am here so I could push myself beyond my limits, so that I could have Michele, with his approving and proud grin, give me a nod of gratitude for my work after each day. "Very good work" that's all he says, but he doesn't even need to say a word for me too feel what he has felt from my work.

We hope for times like this. For moments of appreciation, to build you up and put you in a place where you feel that much more assured that your passions are not leading you astray but rather bringing you to the place where you undoubtedly belong. The mask is a remarkable place to be. I let it take over me, and when I remove it I feel I have given a piece of myself to it and to my class for them to hold on to.

Improv work has been extremely challenging, having a 9-1230 period and then lunch in between, and a period again at 4 but before coming to class to have work ready to present, has been a mind fuck, but one that has brought out some of my deepest inner feelings and has allowed me to look deep within the work to find something I can really connect with and I can share with others.

Our piece we have been working off of is a Midsummer Night's Dream, but not in the way you always see it worked, like any Shakespeare. But our focus are the actions, and how the characters create those actions and are driven by their actions. We have taken it piece by piece, day by day and found more brilliance in it than I have ever seen or thought of before.

The question for the past week was "Where am I?" and I am in a place where I feel ready, and I feel willing to have life throw whatever it wants at me so I can take it in, struggle with it, learn from it, and grow from it.

Tarantella class and not having Michele around today was intense and emotional as well. Tarantella was meant to dance away the poisons and toxins of the body from the bite of the tarantula. It was said that someone inflicted with tarantula poison because lifeless, where their being would shrink away until they were dead. The cure: to dance the poison out.

And so today we danced, and felt one another and our presence in the room. We made connections to the ground, to the air, and most importantly to the flesh and bodies around us. To perform and experience Tarantella took us to a place where it seemed there were no confines around us. We were always to focus further and further, where if our focus was a wall it would be beyond that wall, if it were a person it would be into the depths of their heart.

Our subbing teacher today says that we owe to the audience the exposure of our hearts, we are to give them the present, of our presence and our openness. Today i danced away any negativity I have had and only focused on the work well done. 4 and a half hours of Tarantella, Commedia for the past weeks day after day; at the end of each day my sweat was dripping, my feel were callused, but I have never felt more alive than in this work of movement, of action, masks, of presence, of the heart.

I am awakened.

Work

This past week has been a remarkable one. 

I have been delving deeper and deeper into this community and into the work that I have come here to do. Everyday I have pushed myself far beyond the reaches that I have ever been given the opportunity to do in any theatrical work I have experienced in the past. It has been a gratifying and fulfilling challenge, not only for myself as an artist, but also as a person, as a human being.

I cannot explain to you all how physically and emotionally draining this work is. I will be honest. Sometimes... I feel as if my studying theatre is not as worthwhile or to you all not as serious or difficult or what have you. But it carries its own weight and it is something that means a lot to me. I feel sometimes Artists are belittled. Sometimes I feel that you all may not think that I can perform either. But I have reaffirmed for myself, that I can and that I am good at what I love to do. I just never gave myself the credit.

I was always afraid of the judgement.

That's what comes with the work. No matter how hard you work, no matter how talented you are... there will always be judgement. 

Today I had a very beautiful experience with my work in class. I've experienced this sensation many times before, but today was the most intense I have ever experienced. I just tell myself that I am here to do my work, and to do it well, and to bring back whatever I can when I leave. For my art, for my soul, for my friends and family, my Kababayan and all the things I care about.

I also had a beautiful talk with Ricardo about life. And work. "Ricardo" it is always said by the other staff members "is the backbone of this Villa" because without him everything would fall apart. He is not married, he does not think to go back home because all he does is work. He says that he puts his heart (puso he said) into his work because it is what he has, and it is how he can live. But it return he is able to see the fruits of his labor. he knows that if he did not care for his job then no one would care for him, they could easily throw him into the streets. 

He also spoke about how he hired to work under him all his close friends and closest family he has in the Filipino Community here. It is difficult for the men, he says, to find work. And so he chose his men. He said that you have to choose wisely who works beside you, because there needs to be respect and love to assure you will not be threatened, or have to pay for the work that those under you cannot or are not capable of doing.

He knows the value of work and struggle and we spoke of how knowing this makes us appreciate our culture, the people we are, and our lives. 

I love him for always sharing his wise words with me and his strong heart.

He and the other Filipino staff members put on a party for us today, with Filipino BBQ, Lumpia, Magic Mic, Flip Cup and Beer Pong and good company. And it was absolutely amazing. So much generosity and so much good humor. I enjoy their presence and I have been doing my best to help them in any little way I can. For as long as I am in this Villa I will help them to know that they are appreciated and loved. 

I cannot explain to you all how much being here has taught me to appreciate everything that I have and everything that I am. 

I have always been dedicated to any work that I do. And it is all important because it is important to me. And I am determined and I know I will make a difference somewhere some day. 

Some thoughts... and PICTURES POSTED!

So I'll leave you with the thoughts that stuck with me today!

Michele (after being translated from Italian to English by Dory!): "We have to keep going with this work, we will add on and go deeper and work deeper until we feel we will die!" 

That's a relief... hahahaha

Cayanne: "Think of the words Wellness and Illness, the only difference is "We" and "I""

That is all! 

Pictures posted!

picasaweb.google.com/jlynumi