I am

I Am

I am a womyn who is proud of the sunshine in her roots

That rides on the rays that beam from them toward possibility

Who used to pretend positivity,

But now knows no other way to lead her life

Who lives in both joy and sorrow and who is not afraid, ashamed or tries

to hide her tears- I let them gleam and shine like my smile does.

I am Babaylan by bloodline, in my breath and the beating of my heart

I am Pinay ,

“I am Filipino-American,

not American-Filipino,

I am Filipino First”

I look back to move forward, to re-member who I am

And I love every bit of my being

I believe in the womyn that I know I will become

A sister to many, a lover to one, a mother to a blessed number unknown

I believe my art will touch hearts and souls past my lifetime

I worship the sun, she lives inside me and

reminds me that goodness is in my core

I believe that my hands were meant to create-

in this way I believe I am Goddess

And through my art I can make miracles-

I can heal, I can empower, I can envision and connect

the past, present and future, I can beautify humanity.

I want to be rich in experience,

Have wealth in an abundance of

understanding, compassion and faith.

I want to grow in my struggles,

I don’t ever want to deny the seeds of hardship

I will gather them and

plant them in my children’s backbones

so they can grow into sun-flowers of possibility-

Through their hearts to love,

through their hands to create,

and their feet to move forward.

I will because my mother and father did for me.

Because of the love they taught me

That was and is unapologetic, fierce and true.

I will bring light to the world, through all I create, all I stand for

and all the work choose to commit my life to-

For the young people who make me joyful and crazy

For the community who keeps me focused, fierce and feeling

For my family who strengthens me with their unyielding love

And for myself, because I am blessed to be me

And I will, I will, I will,

…do nothing less than shine

"Phoenix"

*Animal Poem

Phoenix

Legendary in light

With golden and scarlet

Tails of fire

that follow her flight

Amongst Sun’s rays

She gathers Sun’s powers

To carry within her

She flies

with sparks

beneath her wings

Endless horizon in her eyes

Blazing trails

From Eastern to

Western skies

Teaching fearlessness

In her freedom

With no pack, no pride

To guide her

She is lone in her glory

Through life’s journey

Unto death

She arise once again

From her own fires

She burns away

Past self

And is reborn from ashes

Her physical self only a vessel

and in letting herself go

Her spirit maintains

Is illuminated by flames

Bringing her

Closer to God

She will only become

Greater

She grows her spirit toward Goddess form

And resides in an earthly vessel

That protects her celestial truth

Letting no living fear

Stop her from

Living the eternal living she is meant to

Fear less

"When we drop fear, we can draw nearer to people, we can draw nearer to the earth, we can draw nearer to all the heavenly creatures that surround us." — bell hooks

Fear less

I woke up yesterday

And told my fears

I was done with them

That life would be better

If I just let them go

And I have said

And done things

In just one day’s passing

That, have been

Impossible for me to say

And impossible for me to do

Because my fears held me

So tightly in its grasp

For

so

long

And kept me silent

And kept me holding

My own heart hostage

Kept me believing that

Having freedom from my fears

Would leave me too broken

Too open

Too trusting

Too alive

And maybe

More

alone

Every day

Since I have known

Him

in my life

I have found

Hidden courage

tangled up

in my insides

And I free them

So fearless

To fear less

In allowing

My heart

To go

To grow

so

t r e m e n d o u s

in its capacity

to love,

to be free

To be free to love

With a fearless heart

Is to love without limits

And I want this

for my Heart

and for

Myself

So, I woke up yesterday

And told my fears

I was done with them

That love would be better

If I just let them go

"3:17am"

3:17am

I can't sleep

Its been days now

Maybe weeks

Maybe more

That

My sleeping patterns

have been

Off

I lay in all angles of the bed

To find only more restlessness

Tossing and

turning me

-I wish to exhaustion-

But no

Still awake

Still eyes wide open

And I lay

On my back

On my stomach

On my side

And the other side

Blankets wrapped around me,

Pillows over my head,

Between my legs,

At my feet,

I pray for sleep

Staring up at the ceiling

out the light of my window

and the shapes of shadows

All around me

Those are my books

And that is the radiator

And the closet and

My yoga mat...

I need to work out

When I wake up tomorrow

I'll do it.

Lights off

Lights on

TV

Netflix

Hulu

Nothing good

Read a book

What time is it?

3:17am

In Cali someone might still be

Up

I'll call

No answer

Deep sigh

Leave a message

"Hey,

I can't sleep

Call me if you get this."

Have some

Water

Milk

Maybe tea

to ease me to sleep

Lay down

Sit up

Lay down

Sit up

The quiet

The silence

Lay down

sink back down

Next to the

empty space

beside me

In tears

I know

I am alone...

Days Like These

Days like These

These days

I teeter between joy and sorrow

In search of a center to balance the two

So I allow myself to take a second to sit in both

First joy- sweet to taste, warm to touch,

hugs and hands held and the sound of laughter

bouncing from one sense to the next-

LIGHT! I burst, I beam -I don’t ever want to leave

But I shift… because joy can be blinding in its brightness,

it can remove you from the reality of life’s many hues

I welcome in sorrow,

witness it make current time slow,

calling forth the past to take over,

memories appear rapidly surrounding my body

that brings me to my knees,

silence becomes prayer-

it reminds me of my breath,

it reminds me how human I really am

I inhale the sensation that occurs in mixing the two

Taking in bursts of joy and

slow strokes, strikes, shakes, and stings of heartache

I recall all memories of you,

Your touch, your smile, your presence, your truth

In this experimentation

this combination

This alchemy of joy and sorrow becomes

the most unbearable grief

See this inbetween, this center

That I find myself walking and living in these days-

This inbetween is where the heart breaks

Between fire and water

Between bliss and pain

I witness the breaking of my heart and

the freedom of your spirit

that has found a home inside of me.

Being let free to go where it needs

“For your life lived in me

Your laugh once lifted me

Your word was gift to me”

This is why memories of you

Are like gravity

That pull me into a reality of

the joy you are in my life

and what sorrow it is to let go of that.

And I sink into this grief

My face streaks

as I empty myself of what has been

our happiness together

I feel how my spirit is tripping

on my own self- worth and self- knowing

Clumsily I chase the joy and with it

I carry the sorrow

Simultaneously they create

a dance of discomfort and dis-ease

I trip on myself

And I fall,

And I fall

And I fall

This grief

That pulls me downward

Face heavy

Head into my hands

Heart into stomach

Body crouched, curled into mother earth’s cradle

Sorrow streams through me

Water

Falls

When the heart truly grieves

it does not ask permission

It sheds tears,

It sheds skin,

It sheds walls,

It shakes your being

Break up, Break down, Break through

The Heartbreaks

And the foundations that you have built

to keep you grounded,

Have to be removed and replaced

So you can stand firmly on

the pavement of your journey once more

I breathe and look at the pieces around me

Piece by piece I rebuild what has been broken

Whether it be

bones or heart, or mind, or spirit broken

I work to re-member who I am.

On these days

In this labor of love lost-

I sweat my tears

flooding the ground beneath my toes

What will come from this…

I make way for Metamorphosis

I will never be the same again

In a cycle of life and love and light.

I opened myself to the

uncertainty,

innocence

and the vulnerability, of loving.

And today I am left certain in my loss

But I will open myself to what is unknown again.

My only knowing is that

Every beginning will come to an end

and from an end a new beginning

It will catch me

It will lift me

I believe

That

From heartbreak, a greater love will come

From death, new life will be born

From once where I was empty, I will again be filled

From darkness surrounding me, light will brighter shine

And a new day will be mine

Days like today will surely come,

But only to be followed with days of sun

"Infamous God Being" (Ode to Bruce Lee)

Infamous God Being (Ode to Bruce Lee)

Infamous God being

Who laid his life before opponents

And did not fear loss or anticipate win

A life time spent

and never wasted

Defeat never tasted

He was glorious in all his triumphs

And intended glory in his failings

While hailing

atop plateaus to see far

beyond moon and far

beyond sun

He steady aimed

And let his being candle flame

Burn brightly

Fueling light within himself

For all those who would follow

In his teachings

In his movement

And his word

Famed body

Famed spirit

Infamous God being

Who

Took no shape

To life’s battering

Took no form

To system’s patterns

“Be like water”

He said

Be like water

He did

His prayer was paid for endurance

Not for ease in life lived

And reflected from his soul

We learned his mastery

His art in

Bending like willow and bamboo

Never breaking in the wind

Past flexibility and adaptation

No limitation as limitation

Infamous God being

I pay homage to you

For speaking, doing and living

In such powerful truths

-----------------

Quotes used in putting together this piece:

“Using no way as a way, having no limitation as limitation.”

― Bruce Lee, Tao of Jeet Kune Do

“All fixed set patterns are incapable of adaptability or pliability. The truth is outside of all fixed patterns.”

― Bruce Lee

“If there is a God, he is within. You don't ask God to give you things, you depend on God for your inner theme.”

― Bruce Lee

“Forget about winning and losing; forget about pride and pain. Let your opponent graze your skin and you smash into his flesh; let him smash into your flesh and you fracture his bones; let him fracture your bones and you take his life! Do not be concerned with escaping safely- lay your life before him!!”

― Bruce Lee

“Don't fear failure. — Not failure, but low aim, is the crime. In great attempts it is glorious even to fail.”

― Bruce Lee, Striking Thoughts: Bruce Lee's Wisdom for Daily Living

“Notice that the stiffest tree is most easily cracked, while the bamboo or willow survives by bending with the wind.”

― Bruce Lee

“To spend time is to pass it in a specified manner. To waste time is to expend it thoughtlessly or carelessly. We all have time to either spend or waste and it is our decision what to do with it. But once passed, it is gone forever.”

― Bruce Lee

“The meaning of life is that it is to be lived, and it is not to be traded and conceptualized and squeezed into a patter of systems.”

― Bruce Lee, Striking Thoughts: Bruce Lee's Wisdom for Daily Living

Fighting My Feelings

*Kitty's prompt was to write about what we are Prisoner to, looking to Alicia Key's P.O.W. (Prisoner of Words) Here is a start- I feel this might grow.

Fighting my Feelings

There’s just no fighting my feelings

They move in me

And through me

Consume me

With no tact in their tactics

Strategically taking me over

taking me whole

Keeping me down

They restrain me

They pain me

They surround me

Until there is no fight

to be found in me

Assuming positions in my temples

Taking turns at snapping synapse

Pounding my skull until it shatters

Beating my heart to palpalations

Barred by bones from breaking free

I cannot keep them from consuming

Knocking me weak at the knees

Making my spine shake down right to my hips

Until no nerve is left on my finger tips

Can’t feel the ground below my feet

They tighten up my vocal chords

Tie them down so I can’t speak

And all I can do

is breath

I heave

I tighten my fists 'til sweat drips

Down from my forehead

over my tightened lips

that hold back screams

while tightened eyes hold back tears

Because facing my feelings is

Really feeling these feelings

Is my greatest fear